Thursday, April 8, 2010

New Man Around the House

New Man Around the House

The testosterone is growing in small leaps and bounds. After a full day of T & D (parent talk for Trauma and Drama...coined by my friend Barbara) ... Super G and his lovely Mother now are once again residents of my house...leaving the entire space a bit crowded. I must admit that he smells amazing, is cute as a button, shows off a newly learned behavior everyday and can vomit like no other ... still it feels a bit foreign and at the same time is a real memory jogger of my days gone by.

This is a picture I took this afternoon as he was "settling in" ... wouldn't it be nice to go back in time to the day when drinking warm milk, being held, and asking for dry pants were the only things on your plate....ahhh....the simple life!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Cereal

Cereal

Another day, another milestone in the life of Giovanni...today he was introduced to the fabulous World of "cereal"...two bites to be exact...and being the Bubba Chunk he is...he loved it!

It is funny to watch him change everyday...I don't remember my own children waking up different..though I think I was just too exhausted to notice.

This is a picture I took yesterday, as the Easter festivities were in full swing. Giovanni is super strong, and in this pose he is standing on Laur's lap..."jumping" up and down.

I am so happy to be living in the age of point, shoot and send...I cannot imagine missing one second of this very fascinating adventure...called "Grandma"...

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter

Easter

Another Holiday, another disappointment I have hidden from the World. Yesterday I was preparing to move, had hired movers, ordered phone service and was fairly well packed. Today I am stationary...broken hearted...and breathing through the moment, and deciding where to live.

I was told that my feelings mattered, and openness was easy...last night, my feelings did not matter, and openness was closed. This has been ongoing...and more than I are tired of the outcome, which has been unsuccessful partnership...without roots to carry one through the difficult times...no documentation, no promises of the future, no proposed commitment or intention...feelings undisclosed, and persons unwilling to share the deepest feelings and thoughts...due to fear and rejection...a true self fulfilling cycle...we both loose.

Today was Easter, and sparkliness was the word of the day. Time spent with my Father, 1st Stepmother, 2nd Stepmother, daughter and perfect grandson...priceless...this is a picture I took of my Father and his Great Grandson...truly a gift from God.

Somewhere or possibly nowhere is someone who will love me and be open in spite of sickness, health, employment, depression, whim or a bad hair day...or perhaps there is not...I am praying that the rawness of yesterday is manageable soon...and that I can move on to the next big adventure...wish me luck.


Friday, April 2, 2010

Life on the Road

Life on the Road

Funny that you learn when you are not really paying attention. Last week on yet another road trip as I was brainstorming with a colleague, she shared with me that she had directed 2 other colleagues to "pack that shit up in a suitcase and bury it in the desert." At the time, I found that directive hysterically funny...and did not understand that this was some really meaningful advice.

I have a need for conversation and understanding...this week I have come to understand that some things are not "conversible" (my word), and/or understandable. This has been difficult for me...and I have had a bit of trouble adjusting...

So...I have spent several hours this week packing up my shit...and burying it. Now that it is "gone"...I do feel better...

This is a picture I took earlier this week while exploring the Ice House, which I will miss when they mow it down in the name of progress...


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Ice House


Ice House

Some of the most difficult situations that I have found myself in are those I have created. That in mind, I have now given myself a pat on the back (great job), a round of applause (what was I thinking) and a swift kick to my backside (get the hell on your way)...and these 3 components have made today better.

Amy had said that "the hardest battle you will ever fight is the battle to be yourself"...and I would translate that to include "learn who you are". Today feels as if that goal may be insight...and I will enjoy this small victory as long as it will last.

This is a picture of the old Ice House, midtown Sacramento. It has been boarded up and closed for years, and will be leveled to make way for a Loft Project in the near future. Old buildings fascinate me, and I enjoy observing their past...